A facebook classic – if you follow me there you know all about the “30 things” anyone needs to know. I am moving them from FaceBook to the public. May the wisdom flow into your soul, and your eyes open to a wider world.
1. If you don’t speak English, its okay to cut in line.
2. Same goes for people in electric wheelchairs
3. People will shove old ladies out of the way in order to have their kids pose with a person dressed like a duck
4. A hotdog that costs ten dollars just tastes better because it came from a smarmy guy in a Mickey Mouse hat.
5. Skywriting “God = 🙂 Go To Jesus” above the Magic Kingdom does not make the lines any shorter for Space Mountain.
6. A twenty minute wait feels a lot longer when its 100 degrees at 98 percent humidity
7. Even though I’m paying for it, I could still get really used to being called “my lord” by the people serving me dinner
8. Its possible to be too into your family. Don’t wear the matching “I’m on vacation with my family” shirts, for the love of God.
9. If you bring enough camera equipment for a national Geographic shoot on the Amazon, you’re not cool, you’re just in the way. And you look hot and miserable
10. The tramp stamp tattoo you thought was cool when you were 22 looks really silly now that you are 32 and bending over the stroller dealing with your squalling offspring
11. The best place for your party of ten to stop and adjust hats, cameras, children’s toys, or other accessories is the top landing of a narrow stairway, with half the park waiting behind you
12. You spent hundreds or thousands of dollars getting here, but you can save two-fifty by spending twenty minutes emptying sample cups of foreign coke flavors into your water bottle at Epcot’s “Club Cool”.
13. When you are waiting in line to eat for a long time, don’t bother trying to decide what to order, or making sure you have money ready. Wait until it’s your turn at the register before doing any of that.
14. Anyone with a stroller has the right of way. Anyone who fails to yield the right of way to stroller pushers may be struck in the ankles repeatedly until they learn the error of their ways.
15. When boarding the monorail, especially at peak times when there’s a line, don’t bother folding your ginormous tandem stroller. Just let it take up half the cabin, and don’t bother locking the wheels because when the train stops, the other passenger’s ankles will stop it.
16. When the monorail pulls into the station and the doors open, block the exit talking to your children, unfolding your stroller, gathering your stuff, or deciding where to go next. Don’t let anyone else off until you are ready to go. This also works at bus stops.
17. Always use the handicapped restroom stalls when available. They are twice as large and have their own sinks.
18. No one is too old, too fat, or too under dressed for the “Bibbiti Bobbiti Boutique”.
19. Yes, it is possible to wear your baggy pants below your waist and show off your stupid boxers, thereby maintaining your “street cred” while waiting in line to ride “It’s a Small World”.
20. Buy a really nice camera just before your trip, but don’t bother to learn to use it. Just ask other random people with nice cameras to take your picture because “you look like you know what you are doing”
21. Thin white shorts/skirt, black thong. Still in style.
22. Sometimes the bus ISNT faster than driving. Some trams are going the wrong way.
23. It is possible to videotape your entire vacation, from the moment you get off the bus, while waiting in line, even while eating. Fuss at people who get in your way while you pretend to be Stephen Spielberg.
24. The best way to photograph anything in the parks is to have your camera ready, then come to a sudden stop in front of a crowd, and take a picture, expecting the entire park to stop for you.
25. Document everything. Take enough pictures that you could build a copy of Disney World. Be sure to use your flash, even on rides like “Pirates of the Caribbean” where they tell you not to. When other riders complain, say “no English”.
26. When a bus is packed tight with people, one squalling brat will set the others off, much like barking dogs at 3 am.
27. When preparing to get on a bus you have been waiting on for twenty minutes, don’t bother to take your two year old out of the stroller and fold it until the bus arrives and you are standing in the doorway. Do not move aside so anyone else can get on, while you forcibly remove your screaming, thrashing spawn from the stroller.
28. Are you worried about people crowding you in line or while you are on rides? Don’t bathe or use deodorant on your trip. This works especially well for foreigners.
29. If you brought way too much crap to carry around the park, just bring a huge rolling backpack or duffel bag. As you roll through the Magic Kingdom, those laughs and derisive comments are sure signs other people are just jealous of your ingenuity. Either that, or you’re an idiot.
30. Wearing skimpy underwear under your clothing is only a good idea until it rains. The more overweight you are, the more revealing your clothes should be when wet.