Sorry for two posts in two days. This is kind of a Rambling one, but I’m really frustrated.
I’m totally about to lose my shit. First: My 4 year old refrigerator is dying. I can’t find anyone that will fix it because it’s an LG model. Sears won’t even look at it until December 12th. It won’t make ice, the food in the freezer section is mushy, not solid, and my thermometer says the top section is 44 degrees instead of the 36 I have it set on.
I put my complaint on the Pastafarian Wailing Wall on Facebook. Pastafarians are good people. They didn’t just offer up thoughts and prayers. They actually made suggestions, which, because of my personal relationship with reality, and they were something that I figured might be of real help. I took the back cover off and vacuumed the fuzz off the coils. I took the drawer off the front and removed the back panel. Nothing was frozen up. There is some corrosion on the copper connectors at the compressor that I didn’t like. It was some white powdery stuff just like you see on a car battery when you finally lift the hood after owning the car for four years and it won’t crank on a cold morning. I’m hoping the freon pipes aren’t leaking, slowly poisoning us. I looked for a blockage in the fridge’s air system but couldn’t find anything. It all looks rather normal. Nothing I did seemed to help.
So I go to Lowes, where no one is around to talk to. I then call them and get a pricing runaround and finally give up and look online (Mental Note: ALWAYS start online. Screw “Shop Local” and phone calls and all that bullshit. If you can’t find it online, you don’t need it). I say Phuck It and order a new fridge. Next Thursday is the day we sacrifice Turkeys to the gods in thanks for a bountiful harvest and that our weapons were much better than the Native Americans – I NEED a fridge.
So, pissed yet satiated in new-fridge buying, I try and relax and edit my AT Supermoon pics. Lowes calls. The “In Stock” fridge – is not. They’re out. The fridge is in Florence, but that’s not the local area. I’m shaking with anger at this point, and I’m three breaths away from inventing new swear words to use on the poor unfortunate Lowes clerk. I tell her that I ordered an in-stock fridge, and it’s not my fault they can’t count: 1 fridge in stock – 1 fridge in stock means 0 fridges in stock, and they need to get it to me for the ordered price.
She finally tells me they can do a store-to-store transfer and my fridge should be at the house Wednesday.
Hold it right there, Willis.
Should be? SHOULD be? My Damn fridge BETTER be here Wednesday. I tell her to make absolutely damn sure. I don’t want any shit Wednesday about the truck being out of town or they being short on drivers, that they can bring their happy butts here by then or not at all. Another hold call later and she says she can confirm with certainty that it WILL be here Wednesday.
Although something tells me that I might be looking for a truck Wednesday at 5:30.
I apologize in advance to the neighborhood, because Wednesday I’m going to take a shotgun to my old fridge. They aren’t going to “Refurb” something I paid $1500 for, four years ago, and pass it off to someone else at an extreme markup. Screw that. It’s going to have big holes in it.
I then did what any reasonable person would do. I turned to the Scriptures for an answer. In the Loose Canon: Old Pastament, Pastalm IX talks about having food around, after all:
Pastalm IX — The Holy Ponderance
1. Oh Great Noodly One. To thee I doth ponder,
for thy presence inspires much rumbling of my tummy. 2. And after repeated rumbling and grumbling
of thy digestive system, shall I sunder forth
to the Holy Refrigerator in search of your fulfilment. 3. And after much fumbling and bumbling
through the empty shelves, shall I surrender
thy wishful thinking and retreat to the holy ATM
to replenish thy monetary stocks.
And since the Book of Piraticus mentions Rum as the preferred drink of Pirates, and that once you imbibe enough Rum, his noddlyness will push you to the floor, encouraging you not to get up again, I decided that I should partake. This being Friday, the Sabbath, why the Hell not.
It’s been a stressful week, after all.
So Join me, fellow pirates, in restocking your refrigerators, or ordering new ones that then must be restocked, and in drinking of thy holy grog.
Yeah yeah yeah, hiking. I know.