I’m Thankful, Damn it.

Well, today is Turkey Day, the day we celebrate that the original Americans were nice to European immigrants, while saying “lets not take in those refugees”. We sit around and give thanks for the things we have, and can’t wait to get up from dinner so we can stare at our phones and ignore those around us, only to rush out at 2:30 because the greedy businesses competing for our money decided that an extra day of shopping was worth more than family time, so we can buy more shit.

Because buying more shit is what Jesus would have wanted, and apparently Yahweh likes it too, because they put Jews in the commercials lighting menorahs, and they even gave a nod to the Pagans by wishing them “happy solstice” last year so I guess instead of dancing in the woods to firelight they want them in Walmart spending money.

If you’re not on Facebook (yeah I think there’s still 6 or 7 of you out there), some people have been doing “I’m Thankful for…” every day since Halloween. Apparently its a thing amoung some people. None of my friends have done it, because I don’t have those kind of friends.

But today is thanksgiving and I feel I need to offer something to my loyal readers. The four of you may be interested, between plates of turkey and looking up deals on your iPhone.


I’m thankful no one is coming over. People coming over means cleaning up for them, and Thanksgiving is a short holiday. I would have spent Monday through Wednesday cleaning the house to a level it would be acceptable for relatives, from the time I got home from work until bedtime. At least X-ma$$ is a longer holiday, and since the wife is a teacher, there’s lots of spare time while I’m at work and don’t have to help. Therefore when people come for Thanksgiving it just becomes one long episode of housework, which has to be repeated when they leave, since the kitchen gets wrecked again.

I’m thankful for Amazon.com and all the other online places. Hennessy Hammock, Hammock Gear, REI, Life is Good, Hollister, Aeropostale, Lowes, Loft outlet, Toms, Deuter, the Appalachian Trail Conservancy, iTunes, Shutterfly… all the online places that mean I don’t have to go anywhere, drive anywhere, deal with people, have cashiers try to sell me special offers and credit cards, and pay sales taxes. Because I’m opting out of Black Friday shopping. Basically if I can’t get it delivered between now and X-ma$$ morning, you’re not getting it.

I’m thankful for Netflix, because the TV stations are dragging out the tired old X-mass classics and I want something decent to watch, like Star Trek Voyager and the X-Files, when TV wasn’t completely shitty.

I’m thankful for Moonshiners, because the show is awesome and finally came back on. Yeah, it’s an example of shitty TV, but it’s funny and beats the hell out of the sitcoms we used to watch as kids. Two guys blowing up a still in the woods beats the crap out of ANYTHING that was ever on Family Ties or Rosanne.

I’m thankful for the iPhone, because I kind of introverted and after dinner when everyone is sitting around wanting to interact and play games and talk and shit, I can put on my headphones and pretend to sleep.

I’m thankful for hiking. I’ve lost five pounds in the last month, and I think hiking has something to do with it. Of course, I’m going to find it this weekend, but tomorrow I’m going to #OptOutside instead of going shopping, even if all I do is walk to the mailbox and back between running dungeons in WarCraft, which I’m also thankful for.


I’m thankful I’m off work today, because many people are not, and that men and women in Blue, Grey, Red, White, or Camouflage are working right now and protecting us from bad guys, turkey-fryer fires, drunk dudes on the highway, heart attacks, accidents, illnesses, stupid shit we do to ourselves, and assholes that want to blow us up. Thank all of you men and women out there working thankless jobs. Oh, and convenience store clerks too, because I have to drive somewhere shortly and I need gas.

Happy Thanksgiving, people.




Author: theosus1

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