If you haven’t seen the Krispy Kreme ads on Facebook, you’re either not on there enough or you live up north where people don’t know what a good doughnut is. You can get a free doughnut for talking like a pirate, or a dozen doughnuts for dressing like a pirate.
But why? It’s “Talk like a pirate day”, of course.
What the hell is Talk Like a Pirate Day? Aside from being the most holy day to Pastafarians, It’s a day devoted to talking like a pirate. And that’s pretty much it. A couple of guys playing racquetball accidentally invented it, Dave Barry (comedian writer Dave barry, that guy) thought it was funny and wrote about it, and now it’s kind of a national fun thing to do.
So, It’s kind of funny that a national organization like Krispy Kreme would encourage the childish behavior of grown people running around, talking and dressing like pirates on September 19. It’s especially funny that September 19th has no great significance at all, it was a day chosen at random, simply because there wasn’t anything else going on.
Now it gets tricky, and I can’t wait for some churchy types with nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than to protest things, to get all riled up because Talk Like A Pirate Day is also the holiest of days in Pastafarianism.
If you haven’t heard of THAT, then you are probably like 95% of America. What is Pastafarianism? For the most part, its a joke.
Without googling it, Pastafarianism is a spoof of religion, of Christianity mostly. This guy got kind of upset that the Kansas School Board wanted to introduce “Intelligent Design” in science classes, which as you know, is the idea the the universe in all its complexities and all the life in it, could not have formed without some guiding mind or creator. Its a sneaky way of getting around that whole church/state thing and saying, “We don’t know how it all happened, so God might have done it.” Pick the God of your choice. I like Thor, personally. A big burly guy with a spiked helmet and a magic hammer that can crush mountains is pretty cool, as far as deities go.
But – This guy, Bobby Henderson (hail to the prophet) didn’t like that too much, so he wrote to the Kansas School Board. He demanded that if Evolution and Intelligent Design were to be taught, then an equal share of time should be devoted to teaching that the universe was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a being much like God that Bobby created. He linked global warming to the decrease in the number of pirates (of the Caribbean type, not of the software, music, clothing, or Somali type), and proclaimed later that Pirates were therefore sacred and Talk Like a Pirate Day was quite important in the Canon of this new “church”. You can even be a minister for $40.
So, here’s where the funny part comes in. When the churchy types finally figure out that the Pastafarians are having a big laugh at their expense, and that Krispy Kreme is unknowingly participating in this celebration, I expect there to be protests outside the doughnut shops everywhere. “Stop the Blasphemy!” that sort of thing.
The thing is; what started out as a joke is becoming something more, like a religion unto itself. Pastafarians are demanding religious exemptions of certain types. Some countries and even some states are allowing Pastafarians to wear their official religious headgear for driver’s license pictures. Of course, the religion being about spaghetti, the official headgear is a colander. That’s right, people are getting government ID’s made whilst wearing colanders on their heads. The idea stems from certain middle eastern religious folk being allowed to wear Burquas, Hajibs, or Turbans for the same photos. There’s even a book, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which outlines the whole thing from conception to laying out basic rules. The FSM shows up in parades, popular culture, TV shows and movies. A lot of the “prayers” in this new religion are simply rewritten from mainstream religious texts.
Its mostly a pushback against some of the religious silliness that has started to take over the country lately.
I’m all for religious freedom. Look, go to church on Sunday, I’m fine with it. Pray to Allah in the corner at Disney World, I won’t step on your mat. Want to sacrifice a goat? Just don’t get blood on me, and clean up when you finish. But what made this country great is the fact that anyone can celebrate their religion however they want, so don’t tell me (or anyone else) that I have to join your religion, or that other people have to abide by the rules of your religion. Yes, the majority rules for the most part, but the Constitution is quite clear on the whole religion thing.
Some people get really upset by this, even violent. Muslims seem to be the worst offenders at the moment, cutting people’s heads off and shooting them. I have one thing to say if a Muslim ever threatens to cut my head off for being the infidel: “Which way is Mecca, what time is prayer, and can I have a mat because my knees get sore easily?” I don’t think you have to say the “Lalalalalalala Admiral Akbar!” thing unless you’re about to explode, but I’ll let them explain that while they are getting my mat.
I have Christian friends, and I have Atheist friends, which sometimes makes my Facebook page really freaking interesting. What people have started to do is use religion for all kinds of excuses not to do stuff. Take this freaky Kansas lady who won’t issue marriage licenses. I’m sorry, but its wrong for her to want a “religious exemption” from her job. Same thing with the muslim Flight Attendant that won’t serve alcohol. You don’t take jobs and use religion to get out of doing your job, that’s just bonkers. Letting someone take a driver’s license photo with a colander on his/her head is just plain silly. As silly as letting someone wear something that covers everything but the little slit for the eyes. Driving is a privilege, and part of the privilege is having a plastic card that the cops can use to say, “Yep, that’s you in that picture!” so you can’t get one ID and pass it around to all your friends. The Turban and Hajib, I’m fine with. They don’t really obscure facial features…
But somewhere this has to stop. I’m on the fence with the whole gay wedding cake thing. Part of me says someone should be able to decide who they will make a cake for. It’s your business, you want to turn away a paying customer, that’s your loss. The other side of me compares it to other people though. We would never let someone put a sign in their bakery that says, “no cakes for Asian people”, so letting them say “no cakes for gay people” seems just as wrong. But again, that’s a business decision that maybe the government should stay out of… I don’t know. But I’m not a baker, nor will I be buying a wedding cake of any sort for many years, so at this point it doesn’t really matter.
All in all, I just think I’ll take the opportunity tomorrow to get a few free doughnuts, Matey.