Tales from the car line

A friend of mine recently was wailing and gnashing his teeth over being stuck in the car line at his child’s school, and made the mistake of saying “If these people would think, they could all move up closer together and we could fit 6 more cars in here”.

Of course, we all blasted him, because such a move would require logic, rational thought, and sound reasoning. And of course, the one place outside of church that logic and reasoning almost always fail, is a school car pickup line.

Take for instance a school a bit closer to where I live. The school itself is back in a neighborhood, and the car line winds its way through some side streets to a main road. When the line backs up to the main road the people in line want to just sit and wait, in the road. A two-lane road which is the only way out of the part of town to the surrounding community. On the first day of school cars backed up for blocks, and even interfered with a traffic light.

Again, logic and reason, right out the window. Because sitting in the road for twenty minutes with your blinker on makes absolutely perfect sense (said no sane driver ever). Part of the problem seems to be the fact that there is evidently some sort of reward for being at the school first. There are crowds of parents that would sit outside my relative’s house for hours. Not kidding. The cars would line up every day about noon, people would sit in their cars, and even bring those portable folding chairs you see at outdoor concerts and parades and at the beach. They would park their cars at the beginning of the line and wait until 2:30 when the children would be released from school.

Of course, this created a problem in the neighborhood what with driveways and mailboxes being blocked, and finally the cops had to be brought in to evaluate what could be done. After much investigating and deliberating and planning (cops being a government occupation after all) they had to finally tell the car line parade, “Look dumbasses, don’t show up before 2:15”. Problem solved.

When I was a child we carpooled. Of course, you can’t do that now. More mothers have jobs (yay for not mooching off dad), so they can’t be part of the carpool brigade. Also, if the ads on TV are any indication, there is an army of lawyers ready to come after you if you get in a wreck while transporting your neighbor’s “precious darling”. Sure, you’re friends NOW, but get in an accident and suddenly they see a trip to Hawaii or a new swimming pool and now they’re “emotionally devastated” and “can’t let Johnny out of their sight any more”. Pigs… And of course, a lot of parents are just too good for the bus. The pervasive attitude is that only the poor kids ride the bus home. So if your school has 400 car-riding kids, there are going to be 400 cars in line, most of them giant five or seven-passenger SUVs with one kid climbing in and out every day.

Most parents with any sense (remember we are talking car line parents…so this is a small percentage) have figured out if they don’t try to come first, there’s NO LINE. School lets out from 2:30 to 3:00? Arrive at 2:59. You drive right through, faster than McDonalds and without the moron asking you questions through the speaker.

Why all the rush to be first? Why the sitting outside the school like a pedophile for hours? Why do people feel it is perfectly fine to sit in the middle of the road or abuse peoples driveways and parking lots? People are just selfish, plain and simple. The same theme runs through the Disney Facebook groups, it’s all “ME Me Me and My Family”, and screw everyone else.

Look at the news story recently. There were two assholes on a plane. Asshole number one doesn’t like airplane seats reclining. So he buys a cheap piece of plastic that locks onto the tray table in front of him. This keeps the tray in one position and prevents the seat in front of him from reclining.

On a side note – how much of an ass do you have to be to invent, sell, and market this thing? Who goes onto a plane and says, “you know, I really want to fuck with the guy in front of me, how can I disable his seat?”

So any way, Asshole 1 locks this thing on his tray and sits smugly to himself, knowing that he’s just pissed off the person in front of him because he’s so selfish. Perhaps he even handed them one of the device’s included cards which basically says, “hey, I’m a big asshole and I just disabled your seat, if you don’t like it complain to the airline”.

So Asshole 2 (the woman who’s seat was disabled) call the stewardess, who now has to settle the equivalent of a toddler argument over who gets to play with the plastic dinosaur now. The man refuses to remove the devices, so Asshole 2 throws water in his face. Perfectly acceptable in normal circumstances, but this is an airplane, and we can’t have water being thrown on airplanes.

So, Asshole 1 and 2 cause the flight to be diverted, and they are escorted off the plane. Thanks, morons. Hopefully Asshole 1 lost his seat-disabling devices in all this. I looked at the site, and it looks like the best way to handle this, is to reach to the side of the seat and snatch them damn things off and keep them. Maybe if they don’t notice, take them into the toilet and flush them into the blue beyond.

But it’s all about me me me…


Author: theosus1

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