I hate my lawn.

Not because it has brown spots or pine straw or weeds. I can deal with all that.
I hate my lawn because it requires so much care, for something so worthless. And by care I mean weed eating and mowing. I would cheerfully till up the entire thing, spread grass killer everywhere and put down layers of rock for a Midwestern Badlands look, but that would be expensive, I have two acres of open yard space, and a third acre that is wild and full of trees.

Take mowing, for instance. First of all, my mower is sixteen years old. Not bad for a mower. It cost me about $800 back when I bought it. It is in need of some care.
First of all, it’s loud, mainly because the end of the muffler finally rusted out and blew off with a loud “ping” sort of like after you shoot the last bullet out of an M1 Garand, and the box magazine flies out. It’s like a Harley with straight pipes now, actually it’s more like one of those cars with a fart tube muffler extension, because the end is bigger than the pipe.
So I have to wear these big ear protectors over my head when I mow grass, because I can’t get near the mower without hearing damage. Oh yeah, the mower was $800, remember? A new muffler is $150. How can a new muffler be 1/6 the price of the whole thing?

Then there’s the blade engagement thing. The blades are engaged by a lever connected to a cable, much like a bicycle brake cable. It worked well for the first six years, then began rusting and breaking every other year afterward. A new cable assembly? $85 plus tax and shipping. So now I have a piece of paracord in a plastic sleeve running under the seat looped around the damn lever, which has worked longer than the original part.

Then there’s the “safety feature” designed to prevent you from hurting yourself. When you fall off the mower, there is a switch under the seat which activates a solenoid on the bottom of the carburetor, cutting off the fuel. It’s old and sticks, so sometimes it doesn’t activate when I try and start the beastly machine. Then I get to unscrew it and get gasoline all over my arm while I try to get it unstuck. I need a guy with a lathe so I can turn down a regular bolt and put a point on it, thereby bypassing this “safety feature” that serves to make me safe only by preventing me from cutting the grass.

The weed wacker is no better. It’s new, so it doesn’t present the same problems as the mower, but it’s no fun either.
First of all, it’s usually 90 degrees or more. In order to effectively protect myself from weeds, dirt and rocks I have to wear long pants, the ear things, eye protection and hope the sweat doesn’t fill up my eye goggle things before I finish. At the end of the weed whacking event, I’m covered head to toe in grass bits, dirt, crud, and bug bits, maybe event an ant or two.
A spray of roundup would probably solve some of these problems, but round up gets expensive quickly.

So I hate my lawn.

I spend the least amount of time possible caring for it, since I don’t use it for anything. It’s only real use is holding the dirt in place so the house doesn’t wash away. Maybe if I could eat it, it would be different…

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Author: theosus1

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