Okay, we get it, school is back in session.

Yes, we know school is back in session. How do we know? Well for one the overactive mommy club is making sure we all know. From the ever present “Its Alycesaundra’s first day of fourth grade!” posts, to the pictures of the kid standing by her book bag, we all know who’s going to school and when, and even what they will be wearing.

Of course, we should expect nothing less. After all, These days everything is an accomplishment. There’s the Baby Shower, which may be preceded or followed by the Gender Reveal Party, the Potty Party for newly housebroken children, and of course Kindergarten Graduation (I assume because some kids won’t ever make it to high school or college graduation, so we have to graduate from everything  just to give parents a good feeling). Of COURSE the first day of school is a special occasion, and we should celebrate. I’m surprised there isn’t a party the week before. I hate to give the one-upmanship club a new idea, but I’m sure they’re already thinking of it.

The Saturday before school, all the kids could gather together and compare notebooks or something, and sit around and look at each other’s summer vacation pictures and compare where they went, while cutting a cake shaped like a stack of textbooks or a book bag or some such nonsense.

Of course then there would have to be a school’s out party – maybe a cake shaped like the sun and beach towels or even the school, with teachers waving goodbye. I’m not sure what Frued would say about eating your school and teachers… Actually thats probably not a good idea. The way schools today think, cutting up a school with a cake knife, and eating the teachers would probably be seen as a threat, and the police would have to investigate, and anyone who had a second slice would definitely have to be expelled.

But then there’s the inevitable comparison of what people had to buy for kids. In addition to the photos and complaints and The Most Wonderful Time of the Year posts, there’s always the whining about school supplies. I picked up the following list from WalMart just as an example. Some of the parents were complaining loudly about this stuff… I’m not making this up.


Book Bag. That’s mandatory. Seems like a parent’s choice but okay.

96 pencils and 48 crayons. PER kid. That seems like a crapload of pencils. And that’s at the beginning of school. I can see a trend here already. There is going to be a big box of pencils in the classroom, and the kids that bring nothing will get to use the “community” pencils, which one or two moms paid for. I think I would get a gross of pencils with my kid’s name on them, but that’s just me.

2 Packs of dry erase markers? Sounds like something the teacher should be buying. I seriously doubt the kids are going to do that many lectures in the second grade.

1 red plastic 2 prong three clasp folder. The one no one in town will have, which will require going to seven stores and finally throwing up the arms in exhaustion and saying, “damn it, orange is CLOSE THE HELL ENOUGH!” No kid ever got expelled for bringing the wrong color folder to school.

6 glue sticks. 6. Are they building a bomb shelter at this school? Again, the ten percent of the class that brings this stuff will just be providing supplies to the ninety percent who bring the dried-up, half a glue stick they used last year. I still think there are warehouses of old glue sticks and wipes left behind by previous generations.

Of course they want tissues, clorox and wipes. No school should be left without enough sanitary supplies to mop up a crime scene. I’ve visited schools. They have cabinets, nay, closets dedicate to wipes and tissues. Enough is enough.

My favorite part is the wish list. I want a silent poll of all the parents out there. If your kid already bought enough pencils and crayons to write and illustrate War and Peace, as well as medical supplies for a small clinic, are you going to run out and purchase Plastic Bowls, Bags of Candy, and Computer paper (any color). I think I would buy the computer paper. My wife has this really nice stuff with clouds and a sunset on it. I could frame it and tell people it was a beach photo.

At the end of school next year I’m giving the teacher a list of my own.

Things to do before the end of school:

Inventory all the stuff I sent. Make sure you return any unused wipes, tissues, etc. that was brought by my child. She didn’t glue that much. I want to know where the other 5 and a half glue sticks went.

Clean out my child’s book bag. I’m not one of those Hoarder parents thats needs to save every scrap of paper. Unless it’s a report card, standardized test score, or some sort of negotiable instrument, throw that crap in the trash.

See that my child throws out the last lunch of the year. Nothing is a scary as opening that lunchbox in late August only to find the half an apple and crusts from the peanut butter sandwich from June have somehow combined to create a new life form.

Summer reading: Pick one book. Its summer. She’s going to read what she wants to read. What kind of bitch gives homework over the summer? Much less five books, of which the library will only have two copies. So when school is a week from starting and every kid in the county remembers they have to read “to kill a mockingbird”, there’s going to be a fight at the checkout desk the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Cabbage Patch and Tickle Me Elmo doll scares of the 80s and 90s. Make sure that shit is available on Kindle.




Author: theosus1

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