Yeah, we know you worked out. We hate you.

We all have that friend… or those friends on Facebook. We may even be guilty of it ourselves sometimes.

“Got my new FitBit! Can’t wait to see how it works and start posting!”

Yeah, how about not doing that. That would be great. Nothing makes the rest of us lazy slobs feel like lazy slobs more than seeing our friends work out on Facebook. I guess they think they are entertaining us.

“Check out the route I ran today!” Um… no, I didn’t want to check out the route you ran today, but seeing as how you are going to post it anyway, I might as well look at it.

If I was going to post a route I ran, I would at least make it fun to look at. Run a route that forms words. “Running Sucks”, or “Look at me you lazy slobs”, or simply “ASS”, the most used three-letter initials in the history of video games.

I confess, I was one of those people once. Over the summer I tried to get in shape and do the “Insanity” workout. You may have seen the commercials if you woke up late at night after leaving the TV on. Theres a bunch of shirtless guys with abs like you’ll never have, a bunch of women in short shorts and leggings with bodies that only emaciated twenty-somethings can get, and a muscular sweaty black guy who screams at you. Everyone is sweaty and gross and screaming and panting.

So I announced to all my Facebook buddies, “Hey I’m going to do the Insanity workout!” It WAS insane. Incredibly, awfully, insane. It was a good workout, but really something you only have time to do in the summer when the kid is out of school and there’s no dance, no church crap, and no after school stuff to go do. Unfortunately, you should really be doing before summer, so you can show off the fact that you lost half an inch in your pants and your man-boobs have shrunk by half a cup size.

After doing it for six weeks, summer was over, and I fell back into lazy slobbiness.

So instead of fueling the fitness craze, now I have to listen to my friends “training for my tri!” and “Ran 6 miles before work this morning, it was great to be out there!”

This type of behavior cannot be ignored. The fact is, no one cares if we work out. Sure, WE care, it’s an accomplishment. Just getting away from the myriad of interesting things on TV and the internet is hard enough. We feel like we HAVE to celebrate it.

But no one cares. It’s like First Birthdays. No one really gives a shit it’s some kid’s first birthday. Sure, the parents care, they made the thing. Making it through the first year is an important milestone. You’re at least 1/3 of the way out of diapers, you’re not in jail for murdering the thing at three am after the sixth screaming fit of the night, and the family has stopped bothering you about having a grandchild, and is now pressuring you to produce a sibling before she “gets too old to enjoy a little brother or sister”. And sure, Grandma and Grandpa care. But no one else. Your friends will shy away from you and yet more baby pictures. They may ignore your “news feed” after just one more set of pictures featuring your smiling offspring laying down, or even “oh my gosh she’s pulling up on stuff and walking!”. They certainly don’t want to have a birthday party inflicted on them.

Exercise is sort of the same way. Show off your new bikini body, that’s great. Pose with those ripped abs. Also cool. We can all envy them. But for the rest of it, please, just go back to posting those grumpy cat photos.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go walk on the treadmill. I started that up again, and I’m walking uphill at least 30 minutes a night, starting tonight. I’ll keep you posted.


Author: theosus1

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