It’s that time of year again. If you haven’t received them yet, you will soon. The Humble Bragging Christmas Letters from your relatives are probably already in the mail. You know the letter I mean – the one full of family news that is never bad, and serves to make you feel inferior. Someone’s always getting promoted or their kids are getting awards. You never get the Humble Brag Christmas Letter where someone got approved for food stamps or satisfied the conditions of their parole. So, therefore I present my Humble Brag Christmas Letter!*
Dear family and friends, it is so wonderful to be celebrating the upcoming holiday season, and it is with deepest regrets that we cannot all be together as one smiling group, to celebrate the joys of the season and the birth of OUR Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ.
What news we have for everyone this year! The family vineyards were up and running well this year. Grape production was lower than expected, but thanks to the generous help of Clemson University, next year promises to be even better and brighter. Mark was able to produce fifteen gallons of wine in various flavors, which have won awards at the State Fair. Other local oenophiles have met with him to talk with him about his methods of viticulture and fermentation. Mark sold his first airplane to a local algriculturist. Work is going extremely well for Mark, he has earned the admiration of his peers and subordinates, whom he rules with an iron fist. His testimony in a murder trail helped put away a murderer and secure closure for the family of the victim. The judge was so impressed with his knowledge; he even let Mark take over for him during Closing Arguments. Mark’s blog has had over ten thousand views this year, beating the goal of eight thousand he set for it back in January. He has hiked seven times this year with a longest single-day distance of 17 miles. This surely puts his ability up there with the likes of Edmund Hillary and Borge Ousland.
Kaylee has had a phenomenal improvement over last year. After making a perfect score on her state standardized test in English, there’s nowhere to go but up. The MENSA representatives have contacted her and are testing her for early admission. The Harvard admissions program is considering her application, holding a place for her for the class of 2026! We couldn’t be more proud of her accomplishments. She is taking TWO dance classes this year, and we are confident that if Harvard is not the direction she wants to go, that by the time she graduates, a scholarship to Juliard will be waiting for her. She is doing so well the instructor even has her assist with the Hip Hop class, despite Kaylee never haven taken Hip Hop. Her birthday trip to Winterplace Ski Resort last year earned her the title of Ski School Valedictorian. Rossignol will be using her image on their new ski, the Alexis Junior line. Way to go, Kaylee!
Angie has not fallen behind this year either. After successfully navigating the morass of BIPs, IEPs, and teacher’s meetings in her district, she has been selected by NASA as the first Special Education teacher in space. The students are working to build a new space shuttle in the parking lot under the direction of the FFA Teacher and the winners of the junior science fair. She is on track to become the first educator to be named the principal of two schools simultaneously. Her knitting group has been making scarves for victims of Breast Cancer and helping to raise money for both Habitat for Humanity, and Dungeons for Inhumanity. The family has been pushing hard to start a Homeowner’s Association in our neighborhood. There are problems that just must be addressed. Angie has been elected the first president. Her primary duties are getting control of the neighbor’s grass, as there are four yards on our block with grass that is at LEAST 1/8” too high. One of our neighbors even parks a Motor Home in their Driveway! Surely we can correct this atrocity against humanity.
Of course, we give all thanks to our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ, for it is through him that we do all things. Next year the family hopes to go on Safari in Africa, solve the problem of an overabundance of Republicans in Congress, and Kaylee hopes to cure AIDS with her chemistry set. Merry Christmas to all of you, and have a very happy, prosperous New Year.
*artistic license was used with actual events of the year.