Sure, there’s Good Friday, where according to mythology, a man was crucified and died to save the faithful. His followers are happy, and rejoice.
But – there’s a much better reason to celebrate, apparently. That same religious figure’s birth is 40 days away, and that means it’s time to be as modern-day Christian as possible!
Screw helping the poor and being a better person and turning the other cheek, It’s Black Friday!
It’s the day people yell at store managers for not having enough of an item, a day to fight over shitty towels that were marked down from $2 to $1.74! A day to fight over sheets, trample pregnant women, shoot other people over parking spaces, and abandon your family on what used to be a nice relaxing day without the need for gift giving.
I worked Black Friday as Wal-Mart security, and I saw some of these things (thank goodness no shootings in the parking lot), and my faith in humanity has not been restored. I think if we ever break the light-speed barrier, a la Star Trek, on Black Friday there will be ships warping out of orbit seeking new life, and good deals, throughout our galaxy’s quadrant.
Even the reason for calling it “black friday” has been perverted into something good.
According to WikiPedia, Philadelphia police officers were sick of having to work on the holiday weekend because of traffic jams, snarled roadways, and pedestrian crowds. They began calling the day “Black Friday” because it sucked, much like other dark days such as the Stock Market Crash, or the infamous “Black Tuesday” – when AOL opened up the World Wide Web to all of its clueless noobs.
*I used to use AOL – because it was the only thing available to me. Today, saying “I used to use AOL” is the geek equivalent of saying “Yeah – I used to play Dungeons and Dragons”, or “Sure I know how to use a gun, I have a high-point”. So if you used to use AOL, it’s best to keep that fact to yourself. I find nothing wrong with D&D either – back in the late 70’s the was no WarCraft – D&D was the shit if you wanted high quality fantasy role-playing. end aside…
Of course, various high snobbery people didn’t like “Black Friday” being negative, and invented the ruse that “Black friday is when retailers go from losing money to turning a profit”.
Seriously? If my business’ survival depended entirely on 45 days of shopping Hell, I think I would get a new business. Of course, Wal-Mart and some other businesses dispute this claim, saying that they turn a profit every day, starting January 1.
So, get out there and SPEND, America. Some people claim that we are a Christian Nation. If so, go out and do your Christian best: Shop those stores, get those deals, elbow the jerk in front of you that grabbed the last copy of The Hobbit on Blu-Ray, knock the 8 year old down and take his SkyLander so your own kid can have it. Scream at your wife because she only manage to grab five crock pots instead of six. After all, you can’t celebrate Jesus’ birthday without the Perfect Gift! You’re going straight to Hell if Aunt Marge doesn’t get the thermal socks she asked for!
Me? I’m going shopping as God intended: Online. My goal this year was doing 100% of shopping online. Of course, I realized that I can buy gift cards at Bi-Lo, and when I do that, I get fuel points. So – other than that, I’ll do my shopping online, as the Lord intended when he had Al Gore create the internet.
I did have one moment of backsliding:
While I was at Wal-Mart, I found the last Blu-Ray player for $38 sitting on a rack of clothes. I did the appropriate thing, and hid it behind the paper towels until my shift was over, instead of leaving it for someone else to buy. You Christians are rubbing off on me.
When I hit the checkout button on the Amazon.Com web site, I’ll bow my head and say a little “amen”.