Gone ‘Squatchin. And Chainsaws.

My iPhone (I’m not smug about my phone, I just want to distinguish my phone from the rest of those phones that will autocorrect words. And I don’t want someone to think I have some toy like an android or something…) finally has given up on autocorrecting “squatch”. It used to try to make all kinds of other words from it. This fits, because a new season of TV Awesomeness is about to start: “Finding Bigfoot” is coming on next week.

Gone Squatchin
Gone Squatchin

If you still haven’t seen it or heard about it, it consists of this bumbling group of “researchers” who stumble around the woods yelling and hearing things and generally doing just about everything they could to scare away Bigfoot. But, they are fun to watch and they go to some really interesting places.

My child is on the fence about it. I’m not sure if she is a Believer or if she just likes to poke fun at the show. My wife is on the fence too… if the fence separates the “there are no such thing as Sasquatch” area from the “there are absolutely no such thing as Sasquatch” area. Needless to say, she doesn’t believe.

Do I believe? I believe that there is the POSSIBILITY of an unknown primate species. Look at the other weird things they have found. We are STILL discovering species today. Why not a large, elusive ape? There is evidence to suggest the YETI may be an undiscovered species of bear, and bears are pretty damn big. I’ve heard some religious people say, “Bigfoot? You believe that crap? That’s just stupid!” Oh really, lets go over the basics of your faith:

Christianity is the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Now – how silly does Sasquatch sound?

Not that I’m against people having religion. Don’t make that mistake… If you want to worship something (or nothing), good for you! In America we have the right to worship anything, from Jesus to Allah (sorry, Republicans, Allah is still allowed in our country), from Zoroaster to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you want to go to church every Sunday morning or Saturday night or Tuesday afternoon, great. Find something that works for you and go with it. But – when you have no real evidence of something, and still believe its possible, what have you got to lose? And what makes one person’s belief silly, and another person’s belief correct? What if someone came up with the “First Church of Sasquatch”, and believed that one day the great Squatch will come down from the mountains, and reveal to us his great hairy presence, and then fling poo at us in anger, because we shouldn’t have been harassing them all these years. How is that much different than “the rapture”? They are both beliefs, not founded in any scientific basis whatsoever. Why is one wrong and the other “the truth”?


In other news, I am also thankful for the Chainsaw. Yes, it’s capitalized for a reason. It’s a Chainsaw. You show it some respect, lest it chop of thine own hands. I’m sincerely thinking of using mine to chop down a big-ass tree this weekend. There’s a slightly sickly looking oak tree in the front yard. It has been leaning more and more over the years, and I’m worried eventually it will break or drop on its own, and then I will find myself having to chop it up at an inconvenient time, like August. So, that, along with the fact my wife’s cold-naturedness has left us short on firewood for the year, is making me think this would be a good time to cut the bastard down.

Add to that: It still has most of its leaves, so if I cut it now, they won’t fall to the ground, and the wind won’t blow them into my neighbor’s yard, so I’ll be saving the neighbors some work.

And maybe while I’m doing it, I can practice some Squatch calls in the yard.


Author: theosus1

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