I got to experience a whole new level of Dance Mom craziness this weekend.
I was invited to work another Dance Recital, since I am evidently the go-to “Dance Security” guy for the particular venue in our town. Not that I mind working them, they pay quite well, but after three weeks in a row of dancing, I’m really ready for another hiking trip. Thankfully I get to go NEXT WEEKEND! Yes, it’s more hiking noobs, but this time around I’m feeling pretty good.
First of all – I was working for the theater owners, not the dance teacher. So, I didn’t have to play Video Camera Nazi. Normally, I’m expected to tell people not to video record the show. Of course, people want to do that – they want to see their kid dance without paying the $30 for the whole show. It’s my job to tell the cheap bastards not to. I wasn’t worried about that last night – the theater manager just wanted me to enforce a few simple rules:
No Food or Drink in the theatre. It’s pretty simple, right? Big signs, don’t eat or drink. My first group of violators was a group of seven or eight twelve-year old boys passing around a pack of gum. There’s a reason they don’t allow gum in school. Kids spit it out, they put it under seats, they make a mess with it. So when I walked up to them and held out a trashcan I was expecting some crap from them, but they dutifully deposited their pink wads into it without a problem.
Ditto for the mom and daughter with LARGE pink slushy drinks from a well-known fast food place. Seriously, how did they get past the door guys with that? I informed them about the rules, and they dropped the drinks in the can. Silly moms…
After a few more gums and blow pops in the trash, I was pretty much done with that. The next problem was people sneaking into the balcony. There are two big puffy velvet ropes with big signs across the stairs. “Balcony Closed”. So I go up there to look down on the unsuspecting populace, and what do I find? Two teenage boys sitting together (they did leave the “I’m not gay” seats between them) playing on their phones.
“What are you doing up here?”
“Uh, watching the show.”
“The balcony’s closed, you know that right?”
(insert vacant stares here. You know, the kind of blank stares you get when you go into Radio Shack and ask about anything other than a cell phone.)
“Follow me!” I lead them downstairs, and have half a mind to throw them out, but instead let them go to the stage. Obviously they know someone involved in the show, because they go right up to the stage areas and behind the curtains.
I was really surprised at the show, however. It was a picture of hypocrisy. First, they opened with a full-on, bow-your-heads prayer. For one, if I’m going to a dance, I don’t expect to be forced into prayer. It’s just weird. Save that for your church, and maybe at football games.
Following the prayer, which was very dignified and silent for the most part, the dancing started. The first dance featured little girls performing a few very un-church-like moves in what can only be described as bathing suits. Then the crowd started in.
I expect cheering and yelling at dances, after all it’s not a symphony, its supposed to be a dynamic, exciting event. But constant screams of “you go girl!” and “work it lucy!” are tacky and stupid. Seriously, the curtain opened at one point and there were ten dancers lined up on stage. Ten different people from different parts of the theatre yelled stuff out. It was like a high school graduation, utterly ridiculous. Like Lucy was just going to stand there unless someone yelled out, “Work it Girl!”
And what is she supposed to “work”, anyway? The street corner? Because that’s how she’s dressed. I wondered where the pole was in a few of the dances. There must be some sort of “Dance Kit” that teachers purchase. Maybe there’s a few options, different songs, etc., because I heard several of the same songs from other shows in this one. There was even a break where the dads came out and danced the GangNam style, which I had just seen the week prior.
But, despite a few songs missing the pole, and invoking Jesus to watch gyrating sexualized pre-teens, the show had its moments. I should have gotten a program, because I always go to these things and then want to find the music later, and can’t remember the names of the songs to download for free off the internet. One I will NOT be downloading is “Butterfly Kisses”, the single worst song recorded since “One night in Bangkok”. I hate that song. I only wish I could sing, because I thought up a good parody, called “Lesbian Kisses”. I just need someone to sing it.
“Lesbian Kisses” – by Theosus.
Two things I know for sure, They’re sent here from heaven
And they’re dirty sexy girls…
I thank God for all the joy they bring to life,
But most of all, for:
Lesbian Kisses, all girl affairs:
Running her fingers through her girlfriend’s dark hair
(and on and on)
Maybe someone will use the same dance kit next year, and I will be able to find the songs then…