If computer companies made condoms

Bill Gates is offering $100,000 to anyone who invents the “next generation” condom.

Therefore, we have to think what would happen if all the computer companies suddenly went into the condom business:

Microsoft: Their condom fits 95% of available equipment. While it prevents pregnancy, you have to buy a seperate condom designed to prevent virus transmission, and put it over the first one, because 95% of viruses get through.

Apple: The self-described “cool crowd” would wear these. Only available at Apple stores, they are available in a wide variety of colors: black, white, and grey. Special protective cases and carrying accessories would be sold next to them, to protect the product. Fits all Apple Approved equipment, blocks 99% of viruses, but they are only approved for certain uses. Must sign user agreement. Apple condoms are on average 30% more costly than regular condoms, and have the Apple logo printed on them. There is one version of the Apple condom. All Apple condoms will be replaced everywhere with the newest version at the same time.

Google: The condom comes with an embedded chip to gather and transmit data, tracking where it’s used, for how long, DNA samples of both parties, and other biometric data of the users. Sends all of this to Google. Connects via bluetooth to Droid phones and Google Glass, adds personalized advertising, and improved user experience! Instantaneously attains permanent position as the #1 Google search result for condoms. Preferred by Droid users because it’s “not as restrictive” as Apple condoms, and gives them an air of superiority. Some versions of Condoms may have Apple logos on them, with the Droid logo drawn on with a Sharpie. Not all of the newest Google condoms are available everywhere.

RIM Condoms: Comes in one flavor: Blackberry. Used only by middle aged banker types, no matter how hard they try to get the younger crowd to use them. Internet jokes about “RIM condoms” suddenly increase 700%.

Facebook Condoms: Facebook condoms change privacy settings without warning, turning the user’s “private” experience “public” by breaking. Like Google condoms, they report back to facebook but only to your friends and friends of friends. Using Facebook condoms gets you extra credit on Zynga games like Mob Wars and Farmville, although odds are high the people that play those games won’t get to use very many condoms.


Author: theosus1

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