* Warning – do not read this one if you have a tendency to get your panties in a bunch, have mangina issues, or suffer from the “United States of the Offended” syndrome. If you want to whine about it, get your own blog. This post involves violence and talk of a sexual nature. You have been warned.
A recent discussion at work brought this memory to the surface, so I decided to share it with the world. It was worth enduring the pain of its recall.
Most of my high school memories are repressed. I was not treated well to say the least. In fact, if I would have had access to the internet and a lot of gasoline at the time, I probably would have wound up in prison.
But every now and then, something pleasant bubbles to the surface, and like a belch in church, you just have to smile. My high school biology teacher was a short, petite young woman that you could barely see over the lab counter. My physics teacher, on the other hand, was this very domineering German guy, who was half insane, but brilliant.
Back to the point of this. You may have heard this type of story as an urban legend before. I’m sure it’s happened in more than one school, in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if something like it doesn’t pop up in almost every school sooner or later, but I was there when it happened in MY school, way back in the 90′s before Bill Clinton.
“Lisa” (Names changed to protect me from lawsuits) was the typical ditzy blonde cheerleader type. She had the right friends and the right clothes and everyone loved her, and she sat right in the middle of the room. I sat against the wall, half hidden behind one of the display cases, with only one other desk behind me in the corner, which was empty whenever the slacker kid was absent or in the office. I stayed quiet and tried to keep my head down.
So the teacher was lecturing us on human reproduction. It wasn’t called sex ed at the time, just reproduction, because there was no education on the sex part, just; here’s the male and here’s the female, and when sperm meets egg, someone’s going to be paying child support for eighteen years. This was also during the time when being pregnant in school didn’t happen. Oh, girls got knocked up, but they disappeared when they started showing, returning the following year or moving to another school. Anyhow – the teacher gets around to explaining how semen is only something like 5% sperm, and 95% water and simple sugars and fats that help carry the sperm and protect them until they can go off and find the egg.
Now, evidently Lisa had watched some of the same movies I had, or read the same magazines, or done something else to increase her popularity, because she raised her hand, and without missing a beat, said, “Then why does it taste like salt water?”
The class exploded, and Lisa turned red instantly. The biology teacher tried to quiet us, and finally had to run get the principal to calm us down. I’m sure Lisa eventually lived it down. It was likely one of those things you leave behind when you graduate high school, and go on to greater things where people don’t act so stupid. I understand she went into the military service, and I thank her for that. But more than that, I thank her for her ditzy ways and careless abandon at discussing oral sex with the class.
As I said, she must have read the same magazines I had, or seen the same movies, because I had the same basic question: “Why do girls say it tastes like salt water, if it’s made of simple sugars?” But in my haste to ask the question, I was formulating in my head, in pretty much the same fashion she blurted it out. And if I would have beat her to the punch, I never would have lived it down. I can only imagine the horrible things those little bastards would have done to me in the year preceding my release from my four year sentence at High School.
So, thank you, Lisa. Thank you so very much.