My Christmas Letter

I found a new blog to read today, in my meandering trips around the internet. I think I was looking up something on “Elf on the Shelf” and it just popped up.

People I want to Punch in the Throat

Very funny and definitely my kind of humor, for people that can take that kind of humor without feeling a desperate need to lick glass, whine and complain, get their panties in a bunch, or otherwise fail to see any sort of humor in things.

She touched on something that we are all dreading this time of year, however:

The inevitable exchange of Christmas Cards and the overachieving family notice letter that often accompanies it.

I don’t do Christmas cards. I think I sent one out the first year my wife and I were married. It’s such a pain in the butt to do. First I have to have everyone’s address. God forbid you should forget anyone. Every year when I get Christmas cards I tear off the little return address labels thinking, “this year I’ll put together a master list of family addresses for Christmas cards.” Sometime in June when I’m pawing through the drawer for my keys or a few AA batteries, I come across scraps of paper, and dump them in the trash. Plus, people have the annoying habit of moving, requiring me to CHANGE my list. Even with a list, then I would have to have a photo. So I either need to go to a professional photographer, like those guys in the mall or on Craigslist, pay way too much for a fake backdrop in uncomfortable clothes, and wait until the pictures come. Or I have to take them myself, but without the tree up or the house decorated, there is some awkward Fall photo with leaves and half-bare trees. Then there is the fact I look “doofy”, and like as few close ups as possible, especially wearing uncomfortable “Sunday clothes” (which doesn’t apply to me, since my “Sunday clothes” are sweat pants and an old t-shirt, and no one wants a photo of me like that). I also like natural photos, not being posed in as artificial a manner as possible. You want a picture of me looking truly happy? Get a photo of me waking up at 9:45 on a Sunday morning with my wife surprising me with hot Cinnamon Rolls. THAT is winter happiness right there, not some tie and slacks that I can’t wait to get out of…

So much trouble. So, here, here’s my Christmas Card:

Merry XMass from somewhere you’re not.

It has all the qualities of a good Christmas card. First, I’m in shadow so you can’t see my doofiness. We are smiling so you know it was a happy time, and there’s a slight gloating feel to it, like people who get their pictures taken somewhere really exotic or adventurous or expensive. I could’ve included a random bible verse or something like “the true joy of the season is being with the ones you love the most”, but I know my readers, and I don’t want you retching on the keyboards.

Often included with the card is a letter which may be either humble, or bragging, or full of Too Much Information,  things like: “I’m up for the Nobel Prize in Literature” or “Please pray for us during John’s trial” or even “thanks to the work of the police, the pedophile who sent naked pictures Mary was caught, but she still wets the bed every night in fear.” Yeah, Mary really wants the whole family to remember her as the ten year old bed-wetting pervert-bait at the next reunion in five years.

So, here’s my letter:

The kid is still in school. The wife and I still work. We took a couple of vacations. If you want to know more, CALL ME, I’m not writing my biography and sending it out like a query letter to see if my family approves it for publishing. Odds are, it would get rejected any way.

Or you could get on Facebook or read my blog, like these loyal folks right here.

Merry non-denominational winter-solstice-based holiday of your choice.

I hope the blessings of the season are appropriate to the invisible sky being you choose to worship, or for those that chose not to worship anything, as is your right, I just hope hope you are happy and that those around you of the majority religion feel compelled to give you presents any way.

And, if we all wake on Friday the 21st, it means the Mayans were WRONG, and the Sun will rise in the sky once again.

The sun returns! The light returns!
The earth begins to warm once more!
The time of darkness has passed,
and a path of light begins the new day.
Welcome, welcome, the heat of the sun,
blessing us all with its rays.

(A solstice prayer of thanks to the Sun)

 

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Author: theosus1

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