An open letter to the parents in the Car Line

I understand you never liked riding the bus as a child. Buses are hot, smelly, loud and bouncing things. Kids pack onto them and sometimes fight with each other, and the route is often long and arduous, similar to Frodo’s journey through Mordor, up until he got to the volcano. Maybe you live too far from the school for the child to walk. I understand that too. Most people prefer living outside major cities and towns, usually in some artificial development where they cut down all the trees and then name the place “Whispering Pines” or some such nonsense. And of course, carpooling is right out. Carpooling was probably killed by lawyers. It’s all well and good to pick up the neighbor’s kids one week, and then let them pick up your kids the next, as long as the drive goes well. The moment someone gets in an accident, you might lose your house. So Carpooling is out.

But all of the above doesn’t mean you get to leave your common sense at the door. Road Rage is bad enough, but just try sorting out “Car Line Rage”. It’s no day at the beach either. It’s amazing how a grown person driving a $50,000 car can act like a ‘tween’ in the lunch line. And it’s amazingly funny to watch.

First of all, being in the car line does not make you exempt from all other vehicle codes. Most parents tend to think that normal rules and regulations for operating a motor vehicle cease the moment they enter the car line. I’m sorry, “Mom’s Taxi”, but It really doesn’t matter if you have been waiting in line to turn left with fifty other cars for thirty minutes. If someone comes along and wants to turn right, they get in front of you. End of story. Left turns yield to right turns. That’s the way it works. Go down the road, hang a U-Turn, and turn right in front of all the people you left behind. See? It works better, doesn’t it?

The car line is also not MORE important than regular traffic. Imagine thirty-seven people moving slowly into the school parking lot, as only parents can do. One person is waiting to turn left, and decides to hold up the entire world behind him, until all thirty-seven people turn into the school, and then he can go. If it were me, I might get out and flatten your tires. At least then you have a REASON to be stuck in the middle of the road holding up traffic into the next state. Like my last example, go down the street, turn around, and join the zombies in line.

Just because you are in the car line, doesn’t mean you get to turn the highway into a parking lot. That’s not what highways are for. Since everyone wants to be first-in, first-out, people sometimes get to the school while the kids are still at lunch. If you pull up to the school two hours before your kid gets out, just to sit in the heat and read, something is wrong with you. But because this is done, a line starts to build, and eventually reaches the highway. Most sane people would say, “Oh crap! The line is out to the road, I better come back at 3 when everyone else is gone, and I can drive right up and pick up my child.” As I said, most SANE people would do this, but we are talking about car line parents. They will just pull right up to the last car in line, throw it into park, and pick up where they left off yesterday in “Fifty Shades of Grey”, or check in on Facebook once again, “In the car line, yay! Time to pick up snooky-wookums.”

Next time can you check in: “I’m parked in the middle of the road like a dumbass, come see me get rear-ended!” because eventually that’s what is going to happen.

If it was ME working the wreck, I would say, “Well, car line parent, I gave the other guy a ticket for running into you. Here’s your ticket for parking in the road. Now, neither one of you gets to sue the other one, so have a nice day.”

“But, the road is four lanes, they can just go around me!”

The road is four lanes for a reason. There’s a lot of traffic, and they NEED four lanes.

Put your child on the bus. Please, for the love of (insert invisible cosmic sky being here), use the damn bus. When there are six hundred students at a school, and three are on the bus, there is something wrong there. I know everyone has to coddle their child to death and give “participation trophies” and wear full helmets, knee pads, and body armor just to go to the playground, but honestly, the bus is fine. You pay the taxes to fund the bus, use it. Don’t whine to me about how much gas costs when are sitting there burning two gallons an afternoon trying to keep cool for two hours in the August heat in Mordor.  Either that or start carpooling again. If all the parents have each other sign waivers so no one can sue each other, it will all work out in the end, sort of like a car-rider prenup.

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Author: theosus1

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