There are a number of things people seem to be thinking deserve to be on cars nowadays. These items are really ridiculous, and should be removed at once. I’m not talking about giant rims and low profile tires, making your car look like some sort of comical video game car. I’m not talking about under-car lights, or plastic body pieces to make you car look like a low rider when it’s not. These are part of the car culture that most normal folks have given up for lost any way. When the accessories are worth more than the car, you need to rethink your priorities.
I once had a guy tell me his set of $3500 rims got stolen. I was in shock. I told him if he paid $3500 for something to attach tires to his car, he got ripped off twice.
But, there are some things that otherwise normal people feel necessary to post on their cars. Here are a few of them:
Your concealed carry weapons permit number. Yes, I know you’re happy about it, and maybe you want the cops to know you have a gun if you get pulled over, and maybe you even want some thug to think twice about messing with you in traffic.
Here’s the thing, though. You can’t take your gun in a lot of places. Any place that tells you not to, by just putting a 50 cent sign on the door. Banks, courthouses, Wal-Mart, the mall, etc. So, your little “I have a gun!” sign becomes a “Hey there’s a gun in here if you want to steal it!” sign. Maybe you should list the model of gun, so the thief can decide if he really wants to risk cutting himself on your window glass as he reaches inside to unlock the door.
Window stickers. Look, no one really cares about your ridiculous phrase.
The above phrase is popular with jeep drivers. If I see you upside down in your jeep, it’s probably because you did something stupid, and if I’m really lucky I saw you do it, now I’m laughing hysterically. Pay a tow truck, I’m not rolling you over. And the other one for convertibles, “Ride Topless!” oh I get it, you made some innuendo about women riding around showing their boobies. So they can get arrested. But the sheer silly variety of window stickers doesn’t end there. There is the “I have no clue what to put on my window so I’ll just put the name of the car across the window in six inch letters” crowd.
Oh really? It’s a Chevy? I never would have guessed, what with Chevrolet on the back, and the little bow tie logo, and the fact that it’s on the side of the road with the hood up. Thanks for putting the huge letters across your windshield. Maybe you should have spent the $100 on an oil change and radiator coolant.
Even worse than those are the thug phrases. One in my town was Tupacalypse, after a dead rap star. Another was “All eyes on me”. But the eyes were made to look like eyes, like (.) (.)
Stop it. Of course all eyes are on you, we are reading the silly crap on your car and thinking bad things about you. That look we are giving you is not envy. Other people are trying not to laugh at you, because you might shoot us with the gun you took from the Concealed Weapons car.
Of course, all of this is good. When the guy in traffic hits you and takes off because he’s suspended or has no insurance, you can tell the cops “yeah he had a sticker on his window, it said “Imma bad ass Thug”. That way the cops can drag him to jail. If the bad guys wanted to confuse you, they would put “Honda” across the window of their Ford, in six inch letters.
The final stickers that should be banned are the “Someone died and I can’t think of anything better to do than turn my car into some sort of rolling gravestone” crowd.
It started with one lady in my area. For years she drove around in this big truck. The back window said “Earth’s loss, Heaven’s gain, Emily’s sweet smile.” with birth/death dates and a cross. Full on tombstone pattern, seriously. The story goes her kid was sick and she gave her aspirin, and the kid died of rye syndrome. A horrible tale for sure, and if that is true I’m sure there is some remorse and guilt there, but the following rules should be followed:
Never, NEVER turn your car into a rolling monument. It’s dumb, it’s ridiculous, it’s trashy. While you’re at it go get the reclining naked lady mud flaps and a CB antenna with the tennis ball on it. The Emily thing at least carried a message (the message was ‘OOPS!’). Some of the newer ones just say “in memory of” with dates and a name, like t-dog or Sissy or Pop-Pop. In Memory of Pop-Pop, seriously? It sounds like your dad died and you went out and bought the car with your inheritance.
A note to family members: I love you, but I will never put your name and dates of death on my car. Sorry, not going to happen.
A few others: Family members in a row. Most people behind you at the red light don’t care how many times your birth control failed. They also don’t care that you are some sort of pet hoarder and have three dogs and two cats. I’m guilty of this one, but our family stickers are wearing Disney Mickey Ear hats. See, you already don’t care we like Disney World, right?
Your sexual persuasion. You don’t have to advertise you’re gay and proud, or straight and proud, or that you’re a virgin and proud (even worse that you’re a virgin and desperately trying to cure that affliction). It’s not something you need to shout at me from your car’s bumper. I don’t need to know that about you. It doesn’t affect me either way. People don’t walk into Barnes and Noble and yell “I’m gay!” or “Straight!” like some real life version of a chat room. Why are our cars subjected to this?
Your religious views. Jesus Saves! So does my daughter, and she earns 1.5%. George Carlin (hail the prophet!) once did a bit on the ten commandments. He boiled it down to 1. Always be faithful to the provider of your Nookie, and 2. Don’t steal. He added a third commandment: Keep Thy Religion to Thy Self.
Of course, most people have a religion, just like most people have opinions. If you dislike mine, just click the X in the corner. At least all of this is not on the back of a car. you would be holding up traffic by now reading it.