The eagerly anticipated conclusion.
Swans! First Geese and now swans? Mr. Wallace, it is December 27, and while going for my early morning walk with my clipboard and flashlight, I heard HONKING from the area of your back yard with the water feature. I approached the area past your “no trespassing” sign, and observed a total of Seven Swans swimming and walking about next to your water garden. Not only is this unhealthy, for they are pooping anywhere they please on your lawn, but any fish in the water have got to be traumatized. Remove these beasts at once! One of them chased me, and had I injured myself while trespassing on your property, I might be forced to take legal action. The tree removal service laughed at me by the way. If I have to dig that thing out with my bare hands I will.
As your HOA president, I am appalled at what I saw this morning. On December 28, while driving by your “house”, I saw eight women next to the road, milking what appeared to be some sort of bovine stock. I’m not sure if this was some political satire, making light of the seven board members and myself, but whatever the purpose was, I am relieved to see that they have gone, and taken the livestock with them. Rest assured if this activity keeps up, we will force you to move. This place was the epitome of pleasant suburban living before your lot moved in, and as far as your neighbors are concerned, you can move at any time. Also, about your tree, it really needs to come up, preferably while it is still dormant.
Your perversity beguiles and disgusts me Mr. Wallace. On December 29, while sitting across from your house in the vacant lot, using my telescope, I was able to see through your front windows. I saw what appeared to be nine ladies, including your wife, dancing to a pounding musical number, gyrating while wearing stretchy material, in full view of whoever might drive by looking at your house. I have video if you deny what I am saying. I’m not sure what their purpose was, but I will keep an eye on your house to make sure you and your wife are not running some suburban whorehouse! I did note that when they left, one of the ladies was Mrs. Jackson, the aerobics teacher from the gym downtown. How dare you get her involved in such nonsense! My son has said if your tree is not removed by this weekend, he will take care of it with his chain saw.
Your flagrant violations of our rules have driven the board to distraction. Every day I come home with more news to report to them, Mr. Wallace. This afternoon; December 30, while checking on your geese and swans and calling birds, I saw ten men outside. They were leaping around, throwing an oblong spheroid ball they called a “pigskin” back and forth at each other. Some of them were even consuming alcoholic beverages in public while you apparently grilled meat outside! This, as you know, is in direct violation of our CCRs, and you will be fined accordingly. Next time this occurs, I will call the local Constabulatory, to deal with your transgressions. I poured used motor oil on your tree today. While it will be bad for the environment, I am confident this will kill the roots, and the tree will never survive. You might as well dig it up now.
Pipes! You play the pipes? Of course I should have realized the name Wallace was Scottish. Such noise cannot be tolerated. It is with disgust that I observed a band of pipers this evening outside your house, playing the most horrendous noise. It is New Year’s Eve, have a little respect for those of us living in your neighborhood. I am just glad they only played a few songs before leaving. Crouching in the bushes across the street with my video camera is hard enough without listening to that dreadful music. I see your damn tree is still there, you uncooperative bastard.
I have had it with you, Mr. Wallace. After staying up late watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and tasting various sorts of alcohol, INDOORS, where it’s allowed, I have a splitting headache. It is January first, and while driving by your house I heard what had to be twelve drummers pounding away. I’m not sure where you put 12 drummers, or why they were there, but that’s what it sounded like. If I hear that noise tomorrow, I’m going to ram my new SUV right into your front door. While I’m at it, I poisoned your “doves”, took your French hens to Kentucky Fried Chicken, freed your calling birds, had the DNR pick up your geese and swan, turned the milkmaids in for animal husbandry violations, put your dancing sluts on YouTube, turned your pipers into ASCAP for performing songs without paying the performance fees, and, I took a dump on your damn pear tree. Now how about we put all this behind us so we can be neighborly once again? After all, living under the rule of a Homeowner’s Association is all about cooperation and being a good neighbor so everyone stays happy.
Yours Truly, Jhard Nhat Cee, HOA President.