When some of my neighbors wanted to form a Homeowner’s Association a few years back, those of us with common sense and a modicum of intelligence tried reasoning with them. When that didn’t work we beat the troglodytes down with big sticks. It was a lot of work and nastiness , all because they were trying to keep out the “undesirables”. Finally the lawyers told the clipboard toting yard Nazis; “Look, there wasn’t one before people moved here, so you can’t create one now”. Thank goodness for SC laws. Anyhow, the event left a bad taste in my mouth, and now I revile HOA’s any time I get a chance (which is most often in the current form – the printed word). I made reference in one of my novels to the fact the Queen of Hell herself created the idea of HOAs, and it was only through her evil actions that they came to Earth.
If you were my friend on facebook this time last year, you would have read this. Maybe…
Its the last thing I pulled off of there, so I’m going to have to start coming up with some original material. Its very long, so I’ll present it in two parts.
Herewith; I present:
The 12 Days of Christmas: vs. the Home Owners’ Association.
Dear Mr. Wallace, as the president of the Homeowners’ Association, I need to advise you of the following: On December 21, you planted a Pear Tree in your front yard. I remind you that fruiting trees are not permitted in the front yards of residences, nor within 50 feet of the road on corner lots. You also failed to submit your request for planting of said fruiting tree to the HOA board two weeks prior to the planting, which did not allow us time to study its impact on property values. There was a note by the inspector that the tree originally came with a bird of the partridge family, but as the bird has since flown off, no harm is done in that respect.
Mr. Wallace, You continue to violate our rules. On December 22, It appears that you have taken in more birds. A cage was spotted on your back porch containing what looked like two pigeons. Pigeons are the blight of cities everywhere, and I respectfully ask that you keep a close eye on them so as they do not escape. My son informs me as I write this that they are “two turtle doves, not pigeons”. Still, we will be keeping our eye on them. There is still the matter of that pear tree. We note you have not taken steps to move it.
Once again Mr. Wallace, you have failed to follow the letter of our laws. Continued transgressions will result in fines, and general rude behavior on the part of your neighbors. On December 23, We noted that you have installed a small fence in your backyard. I was flabbergasted to realize that you have somehow obtained three French hens, and are currently keeping them in your yard. Despite their being at the bottom of the hill, away from sight of any of your neighbors, and only visible if someone parks a large SUV at the edge of your lot, stands on the bumper and looks over the fence, they are a definite violation and will not be tolerated. No livestock will be kept in our subdivision. And, while I am writing, what steps are you planning to take with that tree?
Mr. Wallace. It is noted that despite our niceties, you continue to add to your menagerie in an increasingly flagrant way. On December 24, one of your neighbors reported that through their upstairs bedroom window, they observed you hang yet another cage in your back porch sunroom. It appears to contain four small birds, all making tweeting sounds. Your neighbor is protesting the noise, and we expect you to meet with him and find an equitable solution prior to the next board meeting on January 10. Also, if you cannot remove the pear tree on your own, we will provide a shovel and an undocumented laborer of our choosing, and bill you the estimated three dollars for its removal.
Mr. Wallace, I notice that your previous violations have not been resolved. Today is Christmas Day, so I will not berate you too much, except to say that maybe the spirit of the season will move you to fix your issues and be at peace with your association. Also, digging through your trash for evidence of CCR violations, I found a box and gift receipt showing that you have received five gold rings. Maybe you could sell them and hire a landscaper to deal with your fruiting tree issue.
Mr. Wallace! Myself and the other board members are extremely distraught over your latest violation. On December 26 a neighbor observed your water garden. Although this water feature was approved at one of our previous board meetings, and is within specs listed in section 5, page 321 of the CCRs, nowhere in the in the approval forms does it allow for water foul. The six geese currently taking up residence next to your water feature must be removed immediately! If they are wild birds, they must be caught and disposed of humanely to prevent their return. Also, we note with some disdain that your pear tree is still in situ. I have called a tree removal service and will be scheduling its destruction.