X-ma$$ is coming, and so is the guilt.

The approach of Halloween can only mean one thing:

Christmas is right around the corner. And I MEAN right around the corner. Lowes has cleared out the grills and put up an inflatable Frankenstein or two, just to hold the floor space open until they can start assembling the fake x-mass tree racks. Usually by the first day of Fall, they have those things up already. Seriously, an entire SEASON dedicated to one holiday? Think about it, X-mass isn’t until December 25, which is a few days after the first day of winter. Fall starts on Mabon (September 22). Thats the WHOLE SEASON of Fall, dedicated to the approach of a single holiday. No wonder by the time x-mass is here, we are completely sick of it. There are more suicides around x-mass than any other time of year. Why? Because we’ve been looking at the same shit for three months, and being dead is preferable to hearing “Rockin’¬†Around the Christmas Tree” another 5 times today.

Of course, there are people that enjoy it, specifically for the shopping aspect. I have read about people on Facebook that are already halfway through shopping.

Halfway through shopping? It’s THREE ¬†MONTHS away. Those people could be dead before then. Think about it, all the sudden illnesses and accidents that come up… you could actually be sorting through presents before one of the 13 different visits you have to do between December 20 and New Years, and pick up a present you bought in September and say something like, “Wow, here’s one for Uncle Mort. I must have bought this before he started going to that snake-handling church. Anyone want a Tater Twister?”

And of course, if you live in a small town, you’re guaranteed to get a first class ticket on a guilt trip.

“Shop Local! Every dollar spent here stays here!” I’m so sick of the shop local mantra. At least get an online store or sell through Facebook so I don’t have to leave the house. Plus, if you’re like me, you CAN’T shop local all the time. They just don’t have the stores. Besides, when you’re relatives live three hours or more away, it’s hard to give them a gift card to “Greasy Gus’ Eatery and Backcountry Outfitters”. They’ll never spend it, so you just wasted $15 and your sister is mad at you.

So, in the spirit of, “They don’t have it here!” I present some of my more recent online purchases:

Rigid Collodion Scarring Liquid – it’s a halloween special effects makeup. To be fair, they have some within an hour drive or so, but it’s still not MY town.

“Becoming Odessa” and “The Appalachian Trail Guide 2015” – both books on hiking. To be fair, my local bookstore could order these for me. I might try going back there. The previous owners filled the store with greeting cards and religious crap, with just a few shelves of fiction. The new owners are improving the place and even selling used books. But when I go in a store and they always say, “We don’t have it but we can order it,” I get tired of going there. Why? Because I can order it! I went in the store because I wanted it NOW, not in a week.

Tennis Ball Novelty Craft Buttons – definitely an online item. We looked all over. No store within 50 miles had them. They have plenty of football, soccer, and baseball buttons, but no tennis. They even had cheerleading buttons, and come on, who really thinks cheerleading is a sport? Certainly tennis qualifies as a sport more than jumping up and down and shouting at people.

The BearVault 450 Bear Resistant Food Container – I got chastised for this one. I was told “Why didn’t you get the bigger one, in case the group is hiking and someone doesn’t have one?” Umm, because the bigger one is larger and heavier and; get your own damn bear proof food canister. I only got the damn thing because a few places we hike sometimes require them now. I don’t even want it, but of course in a town where the closest thing to a hunting store is a section of Ace Hardware, there were no Bear Vaults to be found.

Intel Pro 1000 network adapter – I even checked walmart for this. How often do network adapters go out? Almost never, it seems. But mine in my old PC died, and without it, I couldn’t copy my pirated movies over to my new computer, so I had to have one quick.

Powergen cell phone backup battery pack USB port – I own three of these. Everyone has to have their own for trips. And usually at home two are dead and one is nearly dead, because no one plugs their phone into the charger before going anywhere.

1.6 ounce ripstop nylon fabric, 4 yards – Try finding that ANYwhere. Wal-Mart doesn’t have it, JOAnn doesn’t have it (they have some ripstop but it’s nothing like the stuff I got online that feels like silk under you), it’s a very specialty shop style purchase.

The funny thing was, last year, the one lady who gave me the most crap about not shopping locally purchases gifts for people that are decidedly online-only purchases. You can’t even get them in our state.

So get ready, people. X-mass is coming to a mailbox near you.


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