Everything will come out eventually.

This post involves things that some people might view as “TMI”, and involves bodily functions. If you are squeamish, easily nauseated, or have other mental problems, you may want to skip this one. People with kids, however, will understand and totally relate.

 

So a friend of mine was telling me this story of his kid, as fathers we can both relate to the same sorts of things. There are some things that you just don’t get to discuss if you’re not a parent… a whole world of events that you just miss out on.

Like, for example, the kid not taking a dump for a week. If you’re a hiker, involved with other hikers, the subject of pooping may come up. For example, “Hey go on up the trail and whistle if someone is coming, because that Mountain House meal I ate last night is about to reappear. Is that poison ivy?”

So this guy is telling me about his kid not taking a dump. First of all, the kid is ten. I understand if the kid is 2 or 3 or something, they have this poop anxiety, like they are leaving part of their body behind or their intestines are falling out or something. But at ten, kids should be well acquainted with taking a crap. After all, they should have crapped on average every day or so, so its a habit you get used to. But his kid doesn’t like to crap, or something, and holds it.

I don’t know how. Sure, like every person I can keep from crapping my pants for a while. Maybe a few hours or so, but sooner or later its coming out whether I want it to or not. We’ve all been there… I know cops who have said they had to leave accident scenes and drive to the station with lights and sirens going because they had been directing traffic just a bit too long. I’ve had “vacation bowel” before, a unique sort of event in itself. Have you ever been say, to Disney World, and about the fourth day you’re thinking, “you know, I haven’t pooped yet, and I’ve been eating like crazy…”? Generally once you’ve popped the cap on that thought, within a few hours you’re leaving Mickey a present he won’t soon forget.

But this kid hadn’t gone to the bathroom in like a week, and sometimes she doesn’t go for days at a time. So he has to take her to the hospital for stomach pains. I wonder why? The doctor basically tells the kid, “Look you have to poop”, and orders some laxative stuff after doing an exam most of us would consider a violation of our humanity and dignity.

So the kid has three days to take a dump before further measures will be taken.

A hospital trip because you held in taking a dump?

That’s an expensive poop. I mean, I’ve gone to the hospital for a number of things. I tripped up the stairs once in house shoes (leather moccasins) and broke my toe. That was rather stupid, and expensive. My wife dropped me off and went home while they worked on me. I’ve had a few Kidney stones, and even got fixed (best. operation. ever. Well worth the $200 guys, don’t be scared!) We even took the kid to the hospital once because she was making these awful sounds that turned out to be the croup.

But going to get x-rayed for not shitting? That definitely seems like a first world problem. Everything will likely come out in the end…

 

See what you’re missing not having a kid? There’s more to life that some skank getting called out on “The Bachelorette” for sleeping with everyone. Find someone with a kid tomorrow and say, “Hey, I’ve been considering becoming a parent, tell me your worst bathroom horror stories.” I’m sure they’ll oblige.

 

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